Monthly Archives: February 2015

Apocalypse No!

Last weekend, Carol and Denny were a right randy little twosome.

They moaned together, writhing in their heavily soiled bed for two days straight.

All the while, stumbling about in their front garden, were rotting neighbours Bob and Jess.

Of which, were also moaning; all lumpen, stinking like mouldy old human paste in a bin full of used dog-s**t bags.

Apparently Bob and Jess had completely escaped Carol and Denny’s attention.

Until the next morning that was, when Monday’s blues bit them harder than usual.

Boy and Bird


Once there was a boy who was the living dead

He lived his life with a bird on his head

There the bird stood, it blinked quickly and often

Watching and observing its eyes would not soften


Funny, they looked different but yet much the same

Sharp nose, small eyes, spindly legs, round bodied frame

The boy spoke little, as the bird did the squawking

When the bird said chirp the boy did the walking


Chirp, tweet, chirp, tweet, chirp, cheep-cheep

The bird was only quiet when the boy was asleep

Tweet, Tweet! Squawked the bird, early in the morning

The boy heard little when his mouth wide from yawning


The boy, barely awake, a real zombie he did make

Chirp! Effing! Chirp said the bird, it means in English, For effs sake!

“Ok, enough!” said the boy and got on with his day

The bird shut his beak and thought who…Effing…Ray!




Dream Job


Mountain Man Unlimited Vacancy Announcement

 Watcher of the Mountains Required

We are a small family run business; the company has most recently been prestigiously recognised in Landscape of the Mind magazine, currently in their Top 5 most unlikely charities of 2015.

We are looking for a suitable candidate who must have an acute eye for outstanding views that incorporate mountains. Basic knowledge of mountains, such as their magnitude, shade and profile is preferred but not essential as full personal training can be tailored to suit your requirements.

Basic salary is set at your preference but please be realistic, you don’t own the business yet and as a result we won’t take your application seriously. Special excursions are a premium and you as the successful candidate will be paid handsomely in lakes and waterfalls, these hold no monetary value. You will, of course, be expected to travel at your own free will, all expenses paid and in all embracing comfort to numerous destinations around the globe. Your evidence of breath-taking views, are, to be captured using various media.  Your skill in having photos or videos no more or longer than absolutely necessary is essential, as boring our clients will only result in your job placement being terminated.

Our clients are specifically adults and children who are sadly disadvantaged by their materialism or have simply never been out, so excellent communication skills must be applied. Job application date is on-going so there is no rush. We really want you the person who made this up, so please don’t waste your time with a CV and cover note as we won’t read them, but we will always reply a.s.a.p. in your interest.

Please contact yourself for details.



Bald Love


12 year old Jack found his feet very loosely tied to some railings.

His 11 year old girl-fraud proceeded to stuff newly cut grass down his trunks for the sheer love of it.

She found the whole thing hilarious. Jack was pleased that she was enjoying his company, if a little confused.

At school, the next day, he found out that half the school though he was a baldy!