Tag Archives: Humour

The Indestructable Toy

creative writing, Memories, Uncategorised, , , ,

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Infuriatingly Indestructable, and at that point of my childhood (back In the 80’s) when a little destruction would do me fine. I was convinced that this truck was not a toy, but more — a test!

Somehow, forged with alien metals, this orange dump trucks’ durability bore an unforunate resemblance to that of a black box flight recorder (how can it endure such incomprehensible abrasion?). Maybe, just maybe, I’ve been living as a slow aeroplane ever since; having the good sense not to allow myself to crash, all the while i’m harbouring a toy (Yes, I don’t really need an object such as this in my daily life) but realistically knowing there is a possibility of engine failure (but il keep it anyway, because i dare not forget my nice, average boyhood).

As my nostalgic tendencies continue to serve me, Is this innocent truck a stark reminder of how fragile (It still has no dents) my adulthood can be, and in the future: will very likely be, if i’m ever so lucky to be so old that i can only remember the distant past (the black box is no longer black, but now, also orange in its colour).

Halloween on the East Coast of Nowhere

poetry, Words, , , , ,

In the descending fog, someone’s getting lost. Late night tales are telling, Hell-o-ween, I said! How’s my spelling?

It’s the trick and no treat, that slow knock on the door, from no-one. Those masked, silent at your gate, come on now kids, pack it in! It’s getting late!

Do they celebrate death and worms? Tell me what you heard, what you saw? Now tell me again, ok, prove it to me, I want the gory details, do you see!

Because, everybody in the house might scream! And something in the house might go arrrrgh! One by one in the house they will go!?! Hello? Anyone left?

We love the scare; we love the violence, for it’s a full moon tonight, how nice – (silence).

Sweet Death from the Thoughts of Dying

Flash Fiction, poetry,

What a day I’ve had, earlier, I dream’t I was falling. Now that I’ve woken up, I really am! I’m sitting in the driving seat of my car, seat-belt on and plummeting over a ridiculously high cliff. I must of left the handbrake off you see. You’ve gotta laugh really – I intend to. I’m playing it over and over in my silly little mind, and yet nothing stops me from leaving that really useful handbrake off.  How clumsy of me, still, I’m going with a bang I suppose; even looks like I’m missing the tide that’s in. Not only am I gonna be smashed to bits bouncing off those rocks but burnt too; a true Hollywood explosion I can only imagine, just to be sure. Actually I’m quite lucky really cos I’ve always been terrified of the thought of drowning – and it’s funny, they say that it’s your life that flashes before y–

September Poem

poetry, ,

The seventh month

That’s actually the ninth

Those Romans still rule

But we can’t change it now

Why suddenly the embers

People start up the fires

And the burning I can smell

Quick close that bloody window

A signal to slow death of leaves

Look up and celebrate their beauty

Oops there drops another one

Somebody sweep that mess up!

August, the last noisy neighbour

September is the first peace in autumn

For winter is the drama-queen

So roll on next September

Wanted Alien

creative writing, Flash Fiction, Words,

                                                                                                                                                      2 Oct 1920

Wanted Alien for being Alien

 (Also for identity theft, human brainwashing and forgetting to kindly return home.)

By The Agency of Living Interplanetary Extra-Terrestrial Nuisances (A.L.I.E.N)

Ayu, as the alien is currently known (from source) is being sought for unwilling identification of being a living entity not of this earth. The Alien is 7ft tall, of turquoise complexion, walks with a clown-footed impersonation and has 2 dark marbles for its eyes; if only to suggest a face (no other facial characteristics have been verified).

Warning!  Our occasionally good people of Southend would be strongly advised not to panic. Please do not approach our vertically unchallenged rogue with its extraordinary appearance with hastened aggression. We at A.L.I.E.N cannot guarantee that Ayu is not a direct threat to you or to us but if provoked the wrath of his retribution may be unpleasant. If this is to be your act the likelihood of irreversible mental abrasion upon oneself is deemed to be of the highest proportion. As this situation stands, albeit bizarre and unwanted, Ayu has caused no obvious harm or damage to our violent world — as we know of.

Information has been amassed from our undercover agents and has confirmed our suspicion that Ayu is successfully masquerading as a postman, not only in our beloved Southend but previously in towns and cities in and around the UK. To this day its true business here upon Planet Earth is still unknown. You the reader can be a valued ally to our cause.

Ladies and gentlemen, another very important announcement, THIS IS NOT A HOAX! Anyone contacting us and treating it as such with pranks of a childish nature will be severely reprimanded. A Letter will be delivered by our personalised postal service with orders for your permanent vacation of your premises, on your kind acceptance of your ill-advised communication. This order can be triggered from Law 51 from the Blue Room Act and administered with force if necessary by our agents.

Final note, for your collection of most deserved rewards. The alien as previously described must be alive on our arrival in your confirmed location, all being correct and of its successful containment or last sighting. To everyone of Southend please be vigilant and most of all Good Luck! You’re gonna need it.

 

REWARDS

An unlimited supply of cash or the meaning of life.