One pink packet of crisps for sale; unwanted birthday present, acceptable condition (only one crisp missing). Replacement crisps are readily available. Only serious offers welcome. Call or email me, you know who I am.
2 Oct 1920
Wanted Alien for being Alien
(Also for identity theft, human brainwashing and forgetting to kindly return home.)
By The Agency of Living Interplanetary Extra-Terrestrial Nuisances (A.L.I.E.N)
Ayu, as the alien is currently known (from source) is being sought for unwilling identification of being a living entity not of this earth. The Alien is 7ft tall, of turquoise complexion, walks with a clown-footed impersonation and has 2 dark marbles for its eyes; if only to suggest a face (no other facial characteristics have been verified).
Warning! Our occasionally good people of Southend would be strongly advised not to panic. Please do not approach our vertically unchallenged rogue with its extraordinary appearance with hastened aggression. We at A.L.I.E.N cannot guarantee that Ayu is not a direct threat to you or to us but if provoked the wrath of his retribution may be unpleasant. If this is to be your act the likelihood of irreversible mental abrasion upon oneself is deemed to be of the highest proportion. As this situation stands, albeit bizarre and unwanted, Ayu has caused no obvious harm or damage to our violent world — as we know of.
Information has been amassed from our undercover agents and has confirmed our suspicion that Ayu is successfully masquerading as a postman, not only in our beloved Southend but previously in towns and cities in and around the UK. To this day its true business here upon Planet Earth is still unknown. You the reader can be a valued ally to our cause.
Ladies and gentlemen, another very important announcement, THIS IS NOT A HOAX! Anyone contacting us and treating it as such with pranks of a childish nature will be severely reprimanded. A Letter will be delivered by our personalised postal service with orders for your permanent vacation of your premises, on your kind acceptance of your ill-advised communication. This order can be triggered from Law 51 from the Blue Room Act and administered with force if necessary by our agents.
Final note, for your collection of most deserved rewards. The alien as previously described must be alive on our arrival in your confirmed location, all being correct and of its successful containment or last sighting. To everyone of Southend please be vigilant and most of all Good Luck! You’re gonna need it.
An unlimited supply of cash or the meaning of life.